Date: 2009-10-23 13:53 Subject: wtf lj? Security: Public

So for some reason I can only view two of my friend's entries at a time. And I kind of can't figure out how to go back beyond the most recent two to catch up on the things I've missed. Hum. Kind of annoying.

Just thought I'd share so all two of my friends know that I'm not ignoring y'all... LJ is just working against me. Or maybe LJ thinks I should study more.

That's all.

Date: 2009-10-04 23:24 Subject: What's going on in the world of the me. Security: Public

So things have been pretty busy, which is nothing new. I’m well into third year now, and currently on my Internal Medicine rotation, working in various clinics for the next three weeks. It’s enjoyable, but kind of overwhelming in an I-have-no-idea-where-to-get-started kind of way. You can’t really predict what your patients will be seeing you for, so it’s a little more difficult to prepare than say reading the lecture schedule to know what to study for class. It’s fun, and far more enjoyable than sitting in the lecture hall, but I’m more humbled by what I don’t know now than I was a year ago. Add that to the ongoing effort to not appear like a clueless yet overly-eager student, and the days start feeling much longer than they actually are. I don’t think I’d trade it for anything though. I’ve worked damn hard to get here, and I’m quite glad that my degree is actually within my sights right now. Yay.

Fortunately, I have enough time to work out. I love working out. I am a firm believer in the “sound body, sound mind” school of thought. I find that I can concentrate better when I make time to run or go for a ride each day. I sleep better. I’m generally in a better mood. The only trouble now is finding the right time of the day to do it – since it’s getting dark earlier, it’s a bit of a challenge making it home in time, fueling up, and getting out to the levee with enough time to get in a good workout. The other option is working out in the morning… but I’m such a grump in the morning that the early a.m. option is going to be a really tough sell. It’s worth a try, but I’m not sure I’m ready for it yet.

Things with the boy are okay. He’s driving me pretty much nuts on a daily basis, but I think that’s due in large part to the stress from school. My temper is much shorter these days, and I find that I have less tolerance for things that used to just annoy me a little. I’m tired of repeating myself over and over and over with him, and I’m getting frustrated by it. So frustrated that I can’t just let things go any more, which leads to bickering, which makes me cranky and more likely to snap at the little things. But that’s a longer, more involved issue that I don’t care to get into at the mo. But that whole Mars-Venus thing - yeah. I get it now. To all of you marrieds out there - congratulations for not murdering your spouse. And stuffing and mounting him/her. Not so sure that I'd be able to help myself.

So new stuff? Um, I’m crashing Phoenecia on the 24th so I can get show off my new costume. If you’re in town you should come by. I’ll be in BR on the 17th for the Halloween hafla at BayouShimmy; again if you’re in the area you should stop by. I’m bringing my closet and parting with a few items that can use a new home, so bring yer wallet too ;)

Sigh. Another Monday, another week. Here I come.

Date: 2009-07-12 13:49 Subject: Week one in the books. Security: Public

My first week as an L3. Yeeowza.

It has been such a whirlwind. Arriving at the hospital every morning at about 5:45 to prepare for rounds, rounding, going to lecture, working in clinic... and of course the infamous call. It's been wild, exhausting, and gratifying... I'm enjoying this part of my education more than I thought I would, especially since it is OB/Gyn - a clerkship I thought I'd hate. I'm really enjoying myself.

I took call yesterday. I showed up at the hospital earlier than I do normally for call that didn't technically start until 8:30. We had 8 patients on our service and I needed to see as many of them as I could and write notes on them before the residents arrived to see them, before the attendings arrived for rounds. I scrubbed on a tubal ligation and a C section, but there were no vaginal deliveries yesterday. I have three more call nights to get to participate in at least one, so fingers crossed on that. We saw so many patients... it was an incredibly busy day that did not slow down until well after 10:00. I got some sleep but I was still beat this morning, but I lasted until after rounds were over. I was pleased with the night, but then I saw my hair, and wanted to scream because it looked really insane. To be truthful, I don't really care. I'm just glad it's over and hoping that I can get both work and rest in today. I just woke up from a nap but I really think I need another hour before I start trying to be productive. Which is part of the theme of third year for me - do I sleep or do I study? Last week I studied, and I spent a significant portion of both days feeling pretty wiped out. I think this week I will sleep. At least until Wednesday when the Step 1 scores come back. Sigh. I'll be intoxicated on Wednesday night for sure. Either completely hammered because I failed, or pleasantly tipsy because I didn't. I really hope I passed. I can't really stand the thought of having to pull out of this rotation - especially when I'm enjoying it so much and learning so much. We can only wait and see though. Grrr!!!

Alright. I think I'm heading back to lala land for round two of the post call nap.

Date: 2009-06-24 23:59 Subject: Irritation Security: Public

I'm very annoyed that it would cost me less to buy out my current cell phone contract, buy a new iPhone, and purchase a new data plan than it would cost me to upgrade my current cell phone plan to a data plan and purchase a Blackberry. I've been with Sprint for about 8 years now... and since I've only had my current phone for about 18 months, the only discount I'd get is $75 off of the Blackberry. It's kind of irritating. Especially since I have to make a decision on this in a very short period of time because I move to BR in a week and a half to start OBGYN.

So I took Step 1 last Friday, and it was both not as bad as I thought it was going to be and awful. I had a few blocks where I could NOT concentrate - at all. It was bad. I have never had low blood sugar hit me as hard as it hit me when I was trying to take that test. I had zero focus, and it sucked. Therefore my score on those blocks possibly sucked. I don't know. I won't know for a few weeks how I did. And if I passed - score. Great. If I didn't, then LSU will yank me out of my rotation to study for the test again. Which will be bad and make me very sad. Suck suck suck. So let's all hope that I didn't fail Step 1. Because I don't want to take that test again. It was bad enough the first time.

I'm currently taking Radiology and Opthalmology - two of the most poorly planned and structured courses I've ever taken. Ever. I was told that they wouldn't be bad - but when one class hasn't met once, and the other has had a series of lectures that have me feeling like I know even less about Radiology than I did before. I have a textbook for Opthalmology, but not for Radiology - and the final is next Thursday. S'yeah, I'm a little worried.

Anyway. It's about time for my television program, so I shall say goodnight. I should have interesting things to discuss this year (to whatever extent I can discuss them), so stay tuned.

Toodles.

Date: 2009-06-17 21:23 Subject: Gulp. Security: Public

Um, AAAAARRRRRRRGGGHH!!!! -runs around in a circle- GAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! -falls down sobbing-

This is how I've felt today. Terrified. Certain that I haven't learned enough, but not certain that I haven't at least learned enough to pass. A couple of times I felt all giddy, knowing that in less than 48 hours (and there's that headache I thought I'd nuked), this will all. be. over.

Oh how I look forward to Friday afternoon, 5pm. When I walk out of Prometric. I shall come home and box up my study materials (lest I need them again in the fall - please dear gods, let that not be so), and pop open the Tattinger and have a celebratory coma. (Well, I'll likely just fall asleep after my second glass, but I'll resemble comatose.)

On Friday, hope for me, pray for me, light a candle and/or some incense for me, sacrifice a goat or something - I feel like I've done pretty much everything I can do... but some divine intervention in my favor wouldn't hurt, I don't think.

Bye bye now.

Date: 2009-06-16 09:21 Subject: Delerium, no? Security: Public

So this morning, I woke up thinking about coarctation of the aorta. A yawn, a stretch, and then I remembered this joke. And it was so unexpected that I decided to share. (I actually think that it's yet another sign that I'm losing my mind)

A vegetarian and a vegan are having tea. The vegetarian offers the vegan honey to sweeten her tea, and the vegan is outraged.

Vegetarian: What's wrong? It's completely organic!

Vegan: But they exploit those poor bees! Where is the refined sugar?

Ba-boom-sch!






And now back to the books.

Date: 2009-06-12 16:03 Subject: Oh dear Security: Public

In my current deranged state of mind, the solution was simple:

Computer keeps crashing? Time for a new computer.

It has been pointed out that my decision might have been a tad impetuous. I disagree. The timing was crappy, but it was on my list of things to do this fall, new computer. I just had to do it a little earlier than I intended.

Now I just need to make sure that I can salvage the other computer so I can sell the damn thing. Stupid Vista. Yay Mac.

Date: 2009-06-10 01:29 Subject: More stuff to get off my mind... Security: Public

Okay. I need to make a list of stuff that I need to get off of my mind. Again. And I like to share - so here!

I am torn between wanting to take Step 1 tomorrow and never ever take it. I am tired of studying. I'm losing motivation, which is really inconvenient because I don't take the damn test until next Friday. (which alternately seems forever away and entirely too soon)

I hate when they don't put enough flavor powder on my Doritos. I keep picking through the bag trying to find one with more Cool Ranch flavor, and never do. It makes me sad. And it also makes me eat too many Doritos.

I think I want to cut my hair. I'm not sure if it's really that I want something different or if I'm just really displacing my stress over the Step. Not sure.

I'm getting kind of frustrated with social events that revolve around food. Dinner parties. Dinner outings. Going to Baskin Robbins. To me, that's fatass-breeding activity, and I don't like it. To the point where I'm kind of refusing any meal-related socializing. (though to be honest I refuse all socializing these days... but you get my drift) What ever happened to going out dancing? Or to the park? Or for bike rides? And why am I the only one who seems to be irritated that all I ever do with my friends is eat? I just think that people need to move more. Because I wish I could move more.

I think that all the studying is bad for my body. My shoulder hurts. My back hurts. I have sciatic pain. Seriously - if premeds knew what kind of hell it was, I bet half of them would reconsider. And I've lost a great deal of flexibility. Frustrating as all get out.

I think I may just elect to not learn the adrenogenital syndromes. All those damn enzymes confuse me. I figure if I can learn one or two of them and a mnemonic or two, I may disregard the rest of that mess. blah blah blah.

I need to readjust my saddle so I can appropriately utilize my aerobars. I just don't really want futz with it, but I know that I need to do so. Perhaps I'll do that tomorrow.

I need new running shoes. I do not have time to shop for them. Maybe I'll get them on the Sunday after my test.

I think I want a spa day on the Saturday after Step 1. Or maybe I'll sleep all day. I kind of wish I had considerate friends who would read this and plan it for me. Not that my friends aren't considerate, they just don't read my blog. Well, not the ones who live in New Orleans.

I really am nervous that I will fail Step 1. It's not that I haven't been studying - because I have been studying for the last month. I just think that there are so many things that I don't remember from first year that may hurt me. I have re-learned some stuff... but I don't know if it will be enough. Not that I won't try to cram more in... because that's what I do best... but I just wish that I could remember it all without feeling like I've never seen it before. Oh but for a photographic memory (which, by the way, would be my superpower of choice could I have one)

If I don't cut my hair after Step 1, I'm buying a very expensive pair of shoes. Louboutin or Manolo. I deserve it.

Okay. I'm done. For now.

...and my little wish to the heavens above - please, please, please let me pass Step 1.

Date: 2009-06-09 04:52 Subject: Snicker Security: Public

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Yep. It's nearly 5 am. I'm calling it quits for now, in hopes that I can drag my ass out of bed in a few hours and get back to work. I too am feeling a little crazy-eyed, so I thought I'd share.

Oh, how I cannot effing wait for this USMLE shit to be over.

Date: 2009-06-05 01:28 Subject: A tee-hee moment for y'all Security: Public

This made me laugh so I thought I'd share.


see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Date: 2009-05-23 00:45 Subject: Braindroppings Security: Public

O-effing-kay. It is 12.46 am. I'm exhausted. I cannot sleep. I've tried three times already, but I just can't drop off to sleep. It's annoying and really starting to affect my ability to study. So I've decided to practice some good sleep hygiene and get some things out of my head. And since I love you all so much (the two other people who actually read this thing), I shall treat you to a stroll through my mind. Take a moment to don your protective gear... it could get a little hairy.

I'm really bummed that I missed out on Tribal Fest this year. I'm catching some of the performances on YouTube and I just feel so sad that I didn't go. But all of the classes I would have liked to take were gone in October/November - and as much as I'm all about a shopping trip and opportunity to watch some fabulous performances, I didn't want to go all that way so close to Step 1 for shopping and watching. And sadly, I don't know when I'll have another chance to go because of clerkships and such. Sigh. We shall see...

According to the instructor of my review course, I'm already getting the QBank percentages I need for the Step 1 score I want. Hells yeah bitches. Not that my stress level has subsided with that knowledge. The confidence took a boost though.

I love my bike. And I love riding my bike. I wish I had more time to run in the park and ride my bike. I went for my first ride in a week today and was at the foot of Williams Blvd in Kenner (10 miles away from my house) before I knew it. I rode a few more miles and then turned around... only to fight the evil winds of hell all the way back home. At one point I was nearly blown into another rabid biker guy as he passed my exhausted butt a few miles from my house. Thank goodness for Stinger Honey Packs. Otherwise my poor atrophied quads would not have gotten me home.

Though I'm happy to have gotten the order of rotations that I wanted, I'm quite peeved that I have to spend so much time in Lafayette this upcoming school year. Baton Rouge I could handle - at least it would only have been an hour away from home... but Lafayette? WTF? I am really going to miss my boy, my cat, and my bed (I'm so spoiled... I think I'll have to order a memory foam pad to bring with me on away rotations... otherwise I won't be able to sleep at all - not like that will be anything unlike life at home! Haha! peals her sardonic laughter). I suppose the only good thing about it is that I won't really have many distractions, so the motivation to arrive early and stay late won't have much competition.

Today was the first time that I left my house in a week. The bike ride was nice, but I'm starting to get a little cabin fever.

I still have no idea what to dance to at the BayouShimmy thing. Or what to wear. I love new costumes and new music, but I think that ship has sailed. I don't have time to learn something brand new, or sew a stitch. ...and even though I say I have no idea what to dance to, I have a playlist of songs I've been dancing every night, so I do have options, but I'm not inspired - and that's a huge, grandiose inspired I'm looking for. I don't have it. Maybe it will come to me this week. I just hope that whatever I choose to dance won't be used by someone else. Tres embarras. I'd have to pick something else - which I suppose is part of the reason why I haven't committed to one song just yet... I have a nasty feeling this may happen.

I have a headache. I suppose it was ill advised to have that glass of wine with my dinner. I just thought that since I was so beat (at 8 pm) that the wine would knock me out. It made me more tired, but didn't put me to bed.

Anyway, I think that's about all I have stuck in my head that I feel like sharing tonight. I'm going to have a glass of water and try - again - to go to sleep. Nighty night.

Date: 2009-05-14 02:05 Subject: Le semester is fin Security: Public

All over. Most of my grades are in - I'm just waiting (with bated breath) for pharmacology. I'm terrified of that grade... the shelf exam last Friday kicked my ass from here to kingdom come, and I'm hoping with everything I got that my nice grade going in was sufficient to help me pass the course. Oh please, oh please, oh please.

The other grades: Clinical Pathology - High Pass (shitdamnfuck, I wanted to honor that); Psychiatry and Medicine - Honors; Dermatology - Honors (wtf??). SPM isn't in yet, but I'm certain that's a solid Pass (I wasn't a very good kid over the course of the semester, so my scores on the exams were adequate to pass, but nothing else. I'm okay with this.)

But - pharm grade not withstanding - I'm on to bigger and scarier things for which to study. The USMLE... oh my lawd, I cannot believe I take that damn test in a month. Squeak. A month?? I should be studying right the eff now, but I'm still sore from last week. My poor brain has been beaten thoroughly, and has not yet come around. It's like domestic violence - were my domestic partner LSUHSC.

And oh yeah - I finished the second year of medical school. Standing. Head held high, even. I did well, and feel that I deserve a bit of swagger... over to the kitchen table to study for step 1, but I shall swagger.

I've been feeling a little wildeyed lately, which I'm sure has more to do with finishing exams than anything else. Or maybe that my weekend wasn't as rewarding as I'd have liked it to be (though seriously - if anyone knows anything about my plans for the past six months, are we surprised?) Like I want to grab a flight to California for Tribal Fest, but there are no classes left, and the tickets are insanely pricey. Or to Milwaukee - I'd really like to pack up my study materials and my bike to go hang out with Jean for a few days. It would be nice to have a cycling buddy. I just want to get out out out. But I can't can't can't. I have to study so I can do well (pass). Because if I don't do well (pass), all of my hard work this year will be for naught, and I can't take that. But I can't shake the slightly dangerous tickle that I have in my belly; though disconcerting and definitely obviously not good for time or place, it's tantalizing and thrilling in its way.

But, instead, like the predictable dowager I've become, I'm going to go to bed (two hours later than I set out to, but whatev), wake up in the morning, take my bike out for my morning ride, and then get to work for 10-12 hours of step 1 fun.

Night night.

Date: 2009-05-08 01:30 Subject: Too many frickin drugs Security: Public

As I write this, I'm about 7.5 hours away from my last final exam of the year. I'm thrilled that it's almost over - and that I've somehow managed to do well up until this point, but very very nervous about this stupid national board pharmacology exam. Why? Because there are too many damn drugs out there. Too. Frickin. Many.

I don't need much of a score on this exam to pass the course - a 40% will give me a passing grade for the semester. I do not want a 40% - I've yet to score below 80% on an exam this year... I'll be highly disappointed if I don't get at least a 70%... but there are just too many drugs to know. I read about every drug in the L2 pharmacopeia today - and there are just too damn many. I'm irritated. I don't want to fail but I gots a bad feeling about this stupid test. Hence the reason I'm going to put in another 2.5 - 3 hours before I get a nap before el Examino de Deatho.

And another thing - since I have done so well on every other exam in the course, I feel like it's kind of mean to make me take another one. And mean to the whole class too - we have a big board exam this summer - it's called Step 1. WHY CAN'T THAT BE ENOUGH FOR THESE PEOPLE??!?!!

I don't like pharmacology. It. Sucks.

So I'm going to try to read a little more about them now. And hope that my head doesn't explode from trying to keep all this junk in there.

Oh my effin G, I cannot believe that I'm about to finish second year - successfully. I'll be damn cheesed if this exam does me in. So close....

Date: 2009-04-24 23:44 Subject: on my playlist... Security: Public

we all bear the scars
yeah, we all feign a laugh
we all cry in the dark
get cut off before we start

and as your first act begins
you realise they're all waiting
for a fall, for a flaw, for the end

and there's a past stained with tears
could you talk to quiet my fears
could you pull me aside
just to acknowledge that i've tried

as your last breath begins
contently take it in
cause we all get it in
the end

and as your last breath begins
you find your demon's your best friend
and we all get it in
the end

- Scott Matthew (from the movie Shortbus)

Date: 2009-04-20 00:57 Subject: A-hem. Security: Public

see more pwn and owned pictures

Date: 2009-03-12 02:52 Subject: Defeated. By a pen. Security: Public

That's it. I'm done for tonight.

It's gotten to the point where I can no longer control my fingers to write a legible index card. I am six notesets, 70 pages, shy of what I wanted to accomplish tonight, and that irks me.

But I'm more irritated by the fact that I've been trying - to the best of my abilities - to outlast this blue pen. That I got on Friday. Of last week. The barrel appears to be empty, yet it continues to write and write and write and write. I really wanted to kill this pen today, but my spastic right hand has other ideas. It thinks I've written plenty today... and it may be correct, but the blue pen is not dead. It has outlasted me, and I feel like a wimp.

I dunno. Crashing now puts me behind where I'd like to be before I hit tomorrow's study topics. Though, seriously? How often am I ever on top of the material at this stage in the game. At least I've gotten through most of it twice. Hopefully I can run through everything once more over the next four days, which I really should be able to do.

I'm just really effin annoyed about this pen. I'd sit here and scribble until it was dead, but that would so be cheating. Stupid pen.

I'm going to bed.

Date: 2009-03-11 21:12 Subject: This made me want to shoot someone... and hit boys too. Security: Public

see more pwn and owned pictures

Date: 2009-03-03 23:39 Subject: Musings, musings Security: Public

I've been in kind of a strange set of moods lately. They are all related to a vague feeling of dissatisfaction that I've been having with my life over the past few months, which I really can't explain.

I really have no good reason to be dissatisfied with my life. But here I sit, disgruntled and not exactly happy.

I'm back in school - which is something that I've wanted practically since I left, but in spite of the overwhelming gratitude I feel for this second chance, I find myself irritable and cranky at the thought of going to class or studying for exams. I just don't want to deal with any of it. I look at the people I meet and the things that they get to do, and I feel so much envy that it makes me shameful - because I want so badly to do those things too. I want to go to Europe and Africa and Asia. I want to stay out late. I want to plan events and actually be able to attend them. I want to be able to make plans without having to consult my exam schedule for a change. And as difficult as it is now to do those things, I know it will be even tougher over the next two years. I won't be able to see much of my friends, and that makes me sad. And then once my residency begins, I probably won't see my friends at all which makes me even sadder. I find myself wondering when exactly I'll get a chance to step back from all of this work that I've been doing and smile. Because I don't care what anyone else says, regardless of how much you love your job, I doubt that anyone wants to work so much that they miss out on all of the other things that they enjoy in life as well.

And on top of that, I find myself becoming fearful of the responsibility inherent in being a physician. I am not necessarily doubtful of my abilities (or what they will be when the time comes), but every day I learn something new that could possibly go wrong, and I wonder if I'll be able to remember it all when it's my turn to make the hard decisions. A lecturer today told us that we will be held accountable for anything that could occur in greater than 2% of the general population - so a bizarre drug reaction that could occur in 7% of people, a disease that occurs in 10% of a particular ethnic group, a congenital anomaly that pops up in 3% of pregnancies - I'll have to expect, understand, recognize, and know how to treat. That terrifies me. At this moment, I am afraid of that responsibility, and it has me questioning whether or not I want it. I look at my classmates, and I wonder if I want any of them to have it either. Because what do we know? Really? Some of the smartest medical students I've known can't talk to patients without turning into a stuttering idiot - what good is that knowledge going to do them if they can't instill confidence in their abilities in their patients? But there are others - who make me wonder how they got into medical school - that can talk for days to strangers. Where is the justice in that? Sure, tell me life isn't fair. I've heard it before. But it's a hell of a lot different situation when you look at it from my point of view.

Maybe it's just because I've spent the last few years living a life of few expectations. Maybe I'm having difficulty readjusting to all of this. Maybe it's just because my birthday is coming up and I've been reflecting on what it was like when I was younger and the consequences of screwing up were not so grave as they are now... when my future didn't seem so limited by the choices I'd yet to make. Or maybe it's just the "grass is always greener" syndrome. I honestly do not know. I'm just struck by how frequently over the past few days I've found myself wishing it was ten days ago, or three years ago, or five years ago. I doubt that I'd do anything differently because I carry no regrets for how I've lived my life, but there is part of me that wants to feel unrestricted again. (The true nerd in me is thinking "pluripotent, like a stem cell." Go ahead, laugh. I chuckled a bit too.)

Damn. I really kind of hate it when I get intro/retrospective, because it's one of those moods that I can't put off until it's more convenient to process it. Now is one of those times that I wish my best friend didn't live on the other side of the planet, or I could hop on my bike and pedal away from my damn thoughts, or get in my car and just drive until I reached an ocean. But I can't. I have responsibilities and obligations that the adult in me will not allow me dismiss. I owe too much to too many people to let wistful thinking derail me now, but here I sit, pecking away at my computer while a stack of 68 pages of pharmacology notes is not getting read.

I'm all out of words now. Open ear, tilt head to side, dump everything out. It kind of feels like that's what happened just now. I think I'll get a soda and take another crack at those notes.

Date: 2009-02-25 11:37 Subject: In retrospect. Security: Public

Mardi Gras is over.

The days I remember were fun, and I'm sure that the nights that I don't were enjoyable too.

In light of my Step exam, I think I'm setting aside the booze for a nice long while (at least in quantities larger than a glass of champagne or wine).

And I'm in a post-holiday fug. I suppose I'll be moving into the library very, very soon. Yay.

Date: 2009-02-08 12:03 Subject: Irrational responses to normal situations Security: Public

Oh how I wish it was acceptable behavior to yell at a neighbor for using a loud saw outside in his own back yard because it interferes with my ability to concentrate!

Think I'm stressed? You don't even know.